Convo at work…

Dad: So I lost my gumption for work so I have been shooting the bill.
Me: Where’d ya get the bull?
Dad: I don’t know the store in a can?
Me: Wow! That’s cool I want to go to the SF store and get a Bull in a Can!!!

Ache

Sometimes there’s too much to be said to say what needs too. And on top of that you don’t know who to call or turn to to hear you cry, yes there’s God. He should be enough but although he was once man he isn’t anymore. When you need a human being to hear what’s going on to hold and love you- but there’s not one soul you want to call to talk to about what’s going on. You’ve done it on your own so long there’s no point not one can be held in confidence. At least sometimes it feels that way even if it’s not the truth. You just need someone to grant you freedom from all the words and ache that build up in you. That it’s not good enough for God and silence to hear, so tight within your chest it makes you want to vomit. The only time your content is when you’re not at home,away from where ache, anger and resentment dwell. But like the sterling I cannot get out.

Think Good Thoughts- Colbie Calliat

I’m just gonna say it,
There’s no using in delaying,
I’m tired of the angry hanging out inside me,

So I’ll quiet down the devil,
I’m gonna knock him with a shovel,
And I’ll burry all my troubles underneath the rubble 

When I’m alone in my dark dark room,
I have to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won’t let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won’t let it get the best of me,
That’s how I want to be
Na, na, na, na

I’m not saying that it’s easy,
Especially when I’m moody,
I might be cursing like a sailor till I remind myself I’m better,

Cause words can be like weapons,
Oh and you use them, you regret them,
Oh but I’m not gonna let them take away my heaven

And when I start feeling blue,
I remember to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won’t let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won’t let it get the best of me,
That’s how I want to be

I just think rain on a summer night,
Stars filling up the sky,
Sunshining on my face,
Making a secret wish,
Finding my happiness,
That always makes me hold my head up high,
I wanna hold my head up high,

I wanna think good thoughts (Imagine what the world would be if we would just think good thoughts)
I wanna think good thoughts (wouldn’t that be something?)
I won’t let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won’t let it get the best of me,
That’s how I want to be
Na, na, na, na 

“Something Borrowed”

Today I went with a whole bunch of girls to see Something Borrowed, hence the title of this note, it was an okay film but I found myself relating with the main character more than I would have liked. She could never tell anyone no, one reason why I love Ella Enchanted, but its a problem I have too. She also loved a guy but put her heart away believing he would never love her because by all rights physically or at least facially they didn’t mesh up. She lived in fear of ever saying anything. She let her best friend have her way. All thing I do and have done. Things I believe and can’t seem to escape. In the movie she has a guy friend who says she feels like home, and yet he’s not her choice. I found myself being angry with her at that point. ‘What a fool!’ I thought to myself. ‘What an idiot! If a man ever said that to me and I knew it was the truth beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would love him! I would choose him because he was honorable and worthy! Loving and fully devoted!’All things to me that are of worth. Passion fails and lust comes and goes but love is steadfast. It does not move, it changes, it grows but never moves. It doesn’t transfer, it is fixed. At least from what I understand of love. Maybe its because I come from a family in which my Mom had to learn to love my Dad since she didn’t love him when she married him so my out look is totally different however it colored the whole film for me. It also left me disappointed. There’s more to say but it’ll have to wait.

How to live the And And…

Honestly I seriously don’t know the answer to that statement but I like where it is going.  Today a Female Rabbai, Rabbai Talve, came and spoke at our college, and basically to sum up: IT WAS PHENOMENAL!!!! I feel in love with Judaism even more! JEWISH PEOPLE ARE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss Israel a lot at this exact moment.  But that’s not really what I wanted to talk about…well it was before something hit me about a conversation I had with someone I’ve been friends with for 11 years.  She and I have been in separate places and going about different lives for some time now.  She forgot my birthday and so when she messaged me about it at the end of the month I thought I was giving her a way out of feeling bad, when really…I upset her.  What I said was not wrong. It was the truth. We are not the same people and I truly didn’t expect her to remember my birthday. I didn’t! Except that I did, so I lied, which is easy over the internet, especially since she couldn’t see the ache and pain in my face and heart- which at the time I didn’t have because I came to the conclusion this was how it was going to be. But I’ve come to realize that I didn’t expect it because I stopped caring.  It hurt but really, I didn’t care anymore.  I stopped when she didn’t make time for me when I needed her. I STOPPED CARING FOR MY FRIEND BECAUSE I FELT LIKE SHE STOPPED CARING FOR ME! How heartless is that?!?!? But how much is that the essence of human nature. We stop caring when others do! But it doesn’t make it okay.  So I stopped making time for my friend when she seemed to stop making time or wanting to make time for me.  But sometimes that happens. I wanted to make light of it, at first it was the end of the world but now I wanted to make it seem like water slipping through the hand so easy and without any kind of care to it.  So I have to fess up and say: I’m a not so good friend because if you stop caring I will, after a while.  I also have to say that I have let this same person talk me out of things because of her fears, because she will never leave, really, the place she is in.  But this is not the heart of God, this was not who God intended me to be! How can I say, oh she’s just an old high school friend so it doesn’t matter I’ll be leaving her soon anyway? or how can I say I am willing to let others hold me back for their own sakes instead of doing what I know I’m supposed to?!?!?! HOW VAIN OF ME! HOW HORRIBLE! HOW DISGUSTING! Can I just turn around right now and take that ugliness out of my heart before it even got there? No, but I can change where I am.  I realize that no matter how many times I hear this person say that they are sorry for what happened over the summer I might never really be able to let go of what happened, simply because it is etched into my memory.  Which is also extremely not fair. But yet again fighting powers within myself. One wanting to do what is right and lovely and the other just cling to the old rotting stinking meat, which is disgusting.  So the real question is how do I combat my human nature? Where does all this fit and what do I do? Only God knows and for that I’m gunna need His serious help! So yep that’s where I am right at this moment… today.

A Good Ole Fashioned Backhand

So I have been hanging out with one of my best friends today, no needless today my day has been riddled with a thousand things to talk about simply because we have not talked in so long.  But one of the greatest things of advice she gave me today was that I should have the ability to backhand any certain someones who keep dwelling where they are instead of trying to find a way out. Mind you I don’t think I could actually literally backhand anyone but it would be vastly satisfying to do so if I could muster the courage to do so.  We also talked about one of my passions and how it might come to fruition. I’ve for a long time had a heart for the Jewish people and recently, since part way through last semester, this idea of having some kind of inter-faith inter-cultural community has been on my mind.  I have thought that it would work best with women because of many issues.  But she brought up the fact that a club on campus would be a great way to initiate that and get it going.  Or at least give me some good practice. Sadly with me graduating that makes this a whole lot more difficult.  So there is a lot to think about to say the least.  But basically I’m writing this to say that hanging out with this wonderful woman today has completely made my day turn around because I thought it would be long and crazy but it is vastly better spending time with her.  :D

Sometimes things go too far…

There is something about being sick that makes you think a lot. Well that and sleep.  In my case however I have found that when I am sick, and sometimes the reason I’m sick, is because I’ve taught too much.  This may sound strange but being all worked up about things too much can just ware on your body much more than any actual illness can.  See I’ve had a lot of thinking to do. People keep finding out my major wondering what I will do once I graduate and after a long hard journey I’ve finally come to a place where I am so happy to say ‘I have no flippin’ idea’! Well at least its something I try not to think about too much or not at all. But like most human beings that doesn’t always work.  That however is not the major thing that has been on my mind. Last week about this time I got some information about some family matters that have to say the least made a little more than angry. Especially since it had to deal with how others of my family were treating my parents.  Which one would think if it were me being treated this way I might get more upset. Sadly how people treat me is not that big of a deal.  I know that God can take care of how people have treated me or will treat me.  Also with my friends I’ve slowly but surely been learning how to speak up for myself.  But that is kinda something that’s under the rug.  But I think its the thing that started off my whole being sick. Getting so upset about what was going on.  I’m a pro at that…which isn’t good.  

Then there’s this whole boy thing.  UGH! My roommate said to me last night that I might just feel like I have to like someone. But on the whole I’ve never been like this before. I’m so content being single. I like the way it feels the endlessness of possibilities and having my life be just God’s and mine.  But at the same time…I’ve liked the same guy off and on since we were freshmen, which makes me feel like a real creeper! However its true.  Part of me wants to tell him but at the same time I’ve made the decision not to. With only a month and a half of school left it hardly seems worth it.  And then there’s another situation but honestly I can’t see that going anywhere, in that case its just another wonderful person to get to know and enjoy. Which is what I say even about this other guy who I have been friends with for so long. I say these things! I mean them! But its like my head and heart want to run away with each other but both are running in opposite directions to take the other in! Now if that doesn’t make for a messed up immune system I don’t know what does! I don’t know what to do. I’m so very confused. With person I feel like I can say and talk about anything and with the other I still feel trapped in one place.  So its probably me thinking to much that has gotten me into this situation.  

All of that brooding to say I think I’ve thought too much and my body can’t handle all my thinking anymore! Its just gotten a stomach issue and headaches that crop up more often than they ever have in my life! I’ve asked God to give me wisdom, of any kind would be swell! So I can just focus on what I really need to be focusing on: Him… what He wants of me, oh and school! The sad thing is…the only thing I’ve ever really wanted to be in life…is a wife and mother. There’s obviously a lot more to it than that but that’s the simplest way of saying it.  I want to encourage men to be what God created them to be and how he created them to be! I want women to know they are worth while and the world isn’t complete without their beauty in it! I think all of this has to start at a young age! I want to be a model for that! I want to be for God’s chosen people! The Jews and those who call them His own! And even be there for those who will never love Him like I do! SEE COMPLICATIONS! There are too many passions with just the one purpose of: To Serve,Love, and make disciples for Christ (there’s a better way of saying this but its eluding me now).  No one tells you when you’re young all the things that you’ll think about or how complicated life will become once you start thinking for yourself.  Well they tell you but don’t explain.  There are so many pressures and expectations or lack thereof that push you, whether you mean for them to or even want them too!  

All of this might be like I said before I haven’t learned to speak…or allowed myself to. So often people want to talk about the silly stuff, me I could talk about the serious stuff so much more. But not all the time because that would be draining. So here I am bottling up a thousand things to say, that quite honestly and frankly I don’t know how to say, that feel like they are bursting at the seems to get out of me.  Which is not okay either.  So somehow, someway in thing things that go too far, there has to be a way to say what you really want to without being too much at once.  The sad thing is though…that’s generally what happens. Maybe its about a little bit a day…one day at a time. To whomever will listen. Who knows?

Oh Lord, grant me wisdom. For while it is Your glory to conceal a matter and the glory of Kings to seek it out…I am no King I ask but still I beseech You to show me the way to what You have concealed from my eyes and heart, so that I might better glorify You!